Dumpster Fires of the Week: Nice D, Texas

The return of the vaunted distinctions known as the Dumpster Fires of the Week.

More competitive than a Heisman Race in September. Let's get to the winners.

1. Texas defense

I think this is the first time that an actual Dumpster Fire winner involved a firing. UT's rushing defense was a total disaster, giving up 550 yards and breaking records for futility. That represents more rushing yards than the Longhorns used to give up to the wishbone/option powerhouses of the '70s and '80s loaded with Heisman candidates.

Mack Brown's on the ropes and has already pulled the panic move of firing his defensive coordinator. It could be a long season in Austin. The Ole Miss game just became a must-win event.

2. USC QBs

USC against a still rebuilding Washington State team (that gave up 30 points to a brand new JUCO quarterback at Auburn) managed 60 yards passing. Lane Kiffin has so badly mismanaged the position that he's still playing two apparently average QBs. The rotating QBs threw a pick-six and then an interception that sealed the game for Wazzu.

The awful play at QB is masking that USC appears to have fixed the defensive problems from last year. Major props to industrious USC fans for adding Kiffin to parking lot "Fire Lane" markings. Salud.

So far this year, Trevor Knight has been... not good. (Photo courtesy: SoonerSports.com) 

3. Oklahoma QBs

Let it be known that the Dumpster Fire review is not blind to the situation at QB in Norman.

Trevor Knight struggled again in his second start and, in fact, appeared to be almost deliberately trying to keep WVU in the game with back-to-back terrible red zone INTs. Knight looked lost and unprepared for the bright lights of starting.

Things got so bad that OU put Blake Bell in the game, but then decided to call no passing plays and just run the ball. Knight is now out for several weeks, and OU is no closer to having a QB with only a one more game versus Tulsa before Notre Dame. With a defense that might have potentially righted itself, not going with Bell to start is looking like a very costly move.

4. Eminem's halftime interview with Brent and Herbie.

A surreal combination of an awesome SNL skit and an absurdist play. Eminem looked like a lemur being stalked by a predator. Meanwhile, Brent Musburger continued with playful chatter like he was talking to Matt Millen, not Marshall Mathers. Kirk Herbstreit looked ready to kill the producer.

Week two and we already have a winner for the most awesomely awkward interview of the year.

5. That Oklahoma State thing

The perpetual program on the rise had finally settled into something approaching acceptance as a college football big boy. In fact, it actually seemed like OSU was achieving sustained football success without getting caught cheating for the first time ever.

Now, however, the Pokes are the subject of a five-part series by Sports Illustrated alleging massive NCAA violations and improprieties within the program.

• Do we have allegations of offering sexual acts to recruits by hostesses? Check.
• Do we have allegations of recreational drug use and tampering with drug testing to keep players eligible? Check.
• Do we have allegations of payouts to players by the coaching staff and boosters? Check.
• Do we have allegations of organized academic fraud by tutors and staff to keep players eligible? Check.
  

All we are missing are Craig James' dead hookers.