How not to occupy yourself today
"Sewn-ja, Whitesnake called. They want their jacket back."
Everyone seems to agree that this is the most boring college football
slate in the history of ever. I'm betting that won't stop you from
planting your ass on your couch from sun up to way past sun down on
Saturday. (I've sweated through Saturdays in June when I would've traded a toe for a full day of college football on the tube.)
If you do endeavor to edify yourself this weekend, allow me to offer a few tips on what not to do:
Attend a toga party for sadomasochistic swingers.
The Lost Ogle uncovered this little shindig going down in Oklahoma City Saturday night. That makes those HBO Real Sex "documentaries" look like Basic Instinct.
Show your conference pride.
This whole rooting for your conference thing just depresses me. Deriving a sense of happiness and contentment from a specific group of people playing a sport on TV is really pathetic when you think about it. Somehow we've all managed to fool ourselves into thinking otherwise for reasons beyond our collective comprehension.
But pulling for what's essentially a business arrangement? That just makes this entire absurdity all too real.
Get caught up on The Bridge.
Really enjoyed this show in the beginning. The El Paso/Juarez setting provided a unique backdrop for the action, and the politically motivated serial killer offered a nice departure from the standard police procedural. Totally off the rails in the last couple weeks.
I'd recommend getting out while you can.
Twerk.
I can't believe people are acting like this is just now a thing. Those moves have been around since the dawn of the shake joint.
Be in the same room as Franco Harris.
If you do still plan on watching football and are looking for guidance on how to structure your day for maximum viewing pleasure, here's my plan:
12 p.m. ET: North Carolina at Georgia Tech
In a bunk week, it makes sense that the first set of games would suck royally. Why this game? Maybe Larry Fedora will be Texas' next coach.
3:30 p.m. ET: Michigan State at Notre Dame
With Oklahoma traveling to take on the Fighting Irish next week, this would seem like a no-brainer. But have you seen these teams play? This is guaranteed to end with something like a 12-2 final score and lots of existential dread.
(No one will fault you if you want to check out Louisiana-Monroe at Baylor on Fox Sports 1, which kicks off 30 minutes after this one.)
8 p.m. ET: Kansas State at Texas
Mack Brown sounds less like a football coach these days and more like a motivational speaker (and a bad one, at that).
The Purple Wizard, ensconced in a 2011 Cotton Bowl windbreaker, is likely sitting in a hotel room at a Crowne Plaza just outside of Austin at this very minute mulling whether he should put Mack one step closer to ending all this misery.
(Also, Arizona State at Stanford kicks at 7 p.m. ET on Fox. That actually looks like the most compelling match-up of the week.)
The Holy War is at 10:15 p.m. ET on ESPN2, but that's one of those games that always sounds more intriguing than it really is.
-Allen Kenney